First of all, let me express my deepest gratitude to Rachel for offering me the chance to grace her website as a Cover Girl. It’s quite an honor, particularly seeing the previous Cover Girls, and knowing that just 6 months ago, I was so deeply buried in my closet and under the blanket of my own poor self-esteem that I’d never have imagined such a privilege.
Though for many years I went by a completely different femme name, since August 2013, I am Amanda Nicole. At the urging of an online friend, I stepped out of my previous “comfort zone” and tried a completely new look after buying a number of dresses from an online store. To say the result was transformative is an understatement. As I’ve written elsewhere:
“Amanda introduced herself fully to my alterego - an unannounced and completely unexpected encounter, but long desired and wholly welcomed. She slipped skillfully into his skin, morphed his body into a long-dreamed but unrealized vision of femininity, and proceeded to exert her presence in his mind. The change is difficult to recount, even though it’s been only six months since the event, but the overwhelming memory I have is one of pure contentedness. I distinctly remember seeing the horizon from my hotel room... and crying with joy as I saw a new vista of possibilities open before me. It was breathtaking. Joyful. Liberating. And astonishing. I’m still shocked by its power.”
Since August, I’ve matured more as a transwoman than I had in the previous 20 years, and the roller coaster on which Amanda’s taking me has been wild. My wardrobe has quintupled (at least!). My skills with makeup have improved by leaps and bounds (though I still have many miles to go). I’m staying completely smooth and hope to start laser hair removal soon. I’ve easily taken over 1000 photos, and watched my Flickr page soar into dizzying heights I’d never dreamed. And I’ve made scores of new online girlfriends from all over the globe.
But the best part of my personal acceptance about being TG has been my reconnection to the two most important women in my life. In early November, I came out to my mom, a wonderful experience that has changed both of our lives. And in mid-January 2014, after almost 15 years of marriage and two beautiful boys, I came out to my wife. She truly is an amazing woman who loves me dearly and understands - perhaps more than most - that my crossdressing isn’t just a “passing fad” or fetish, but that Amanda is truly an integral part of my whole being. She’s trying to learn as much as she can about me and TGism, and while it’s still very difficult for her to understand why I’m this way, she still tells me that I’m the love of her life, and that I’m worth fighting for. To which I say I’m the luckiest soul on the planet. And I’ll fight for her love just as hard as I’ve fought for my own love.
Thank you again, Rachel, for offering me this chance to grace the cover of your Place. But more importantly, thank you for maintaining such an elegant and smart venue for girls like us!
Click on Amanda’s portrait below to go to her Flickr page. You can also click here to go to her Facebook page.