I'm an occasional cross dresser with a semi supportive wife. I like to create pretty imgages. I find dressing as Heidi a nice break from all the hustle and bustle of life. My wife doesn’t actually participate but knows that if I didn’t like to crossdress I might not be the person that she loves. She likes that I don’t mind browsing the ladies department with her and she'll occasionally surprise me with a gift of a pair of heels or something.
I have been privately dressing in girl’s clothes almost as long as I can remember. I can remember being very young and putting my sister's Barbie doll dress on my Lone Ranger action figure. I also recall sitting at the end of a church pew when I was very little with my head down so all I could see was the feet of the people walking up the isle to take their seats. I remember looking at the pairs of high heels walking past and thinking that for all I could tell, that might be man in women’s clothing. For some reason this intrigued me.
The practice of crossdressing increased quite a bit while I was a teen. I would sometimes fake being sick so I could stay home and try on my sister and mom's dresses and heels. My hair was a little shaggy then and I would try to curl it and tease it. A few times I did that, put on makeup, dress, heals, jewelry, the whole deal, and walked out the front door to the mailbox and back. I loved to hear the clicking of my heels on the sidewalk and the breeze blowing my skirt. I would sometimes wear nightgowns to bed or panties under my clothing.
I was always attracted to girls and enjoyed being a boy but would occasionally be compelled to dress in feminine attire. I had a hard time accepting myself for doing these things. I wondered if I would someday discover that I was gay or had a split personality or something. I would stop for a little while but would find a way to rationalize why I should do it again. It was exciting and fun.
My sister caught me once in her mini-skirt, blouse, nylons and heels. I'm sure she thought I was gay. I hade her promise not to tell anyone and I guess I did a good job of talking m way out of it because no one ever mentioned it.
During my college years, I didn’t crossdress very often. I was busy with studying and, living with roommates, didn’t get many opportunities. After college I moved into an apartment by myself and the privacy (and possibly the boredom) contributed to my renewed desire for the excitement of cross-dressing. I bought a pair of black pumps from the Sears catalog and the cycles of buy and purge had begun..."now I've got a steady girlfriend, it'll be easy to quit."...throw out the shoes, 4 months later buy another pair..."now that we're engaged, I'll have to stop"...throw, buy..."now that we're married..."
Before we were married I decided she needed to know my secret. I was incredibly nervous. I wrote her a letter and gave it to her as I headed into the bedroom to hide. The letter wasn’t 100% honest. I said I used to like to dress in my sister's and mom's clothes in private when I was in high school but that the practice had "faded". Which was true, I hadn’t dressed to that extent in years, but it implied that the desire was gone. But that was OK. This was a big enough leap of faith for now. I was preparing to lose the most important thing in my life. But she was great. She put her arm around me and said it was no big deal. She still loves me. I was shocked. I asked her if she actually read the letter. She said she was afraid at first that I was breaking it off with her and was relieved that it was just this.
So that was a relief but those black pumps kept calling me. I continued my cycles of buy and purge in secret and it was harder than ever. Now that we were married, I was surrounded by all these fabulous frilly and feminine things that I just had to try on. Finally about a year and a half later on the spur of the moment I decided to tell her the whole truth. I told her of a dream I had the previous night where she walked up to me and gave me a big kiss…and I was in complete drag. She asked me if this was something I was interested in and I said "yes". Then came a very long talk and confession.
The following few months were very hard for her. She didn’t really understand it. She couldn’t talk to anyone about it to get a friend's opinion. She didn’t hate me but was confused by why I'd want to do something like this. The following year was a roller coaster of emotions directed at this issue. She's curse it, try to accept it fully, helped me with it, been hurt my it, had fun with it, been annoyed by it, been turned off by it, been turned on by it, and been jealous of it.
I think we've both come to terms with how it fits into our relationship. And I do mean BOTH. Not only has she accepted it more but so have I. I no longer feel so guilty for wanting to dress in women's clothes. I'm more comfortable with the idea I can dress up occasionally and still be a good husband and father. We both are of the opinion that my ability to let my feminine side surface and not be confined to the male stereotype makes me a better person as a whole.
She knows that everyone has their vices that they turn to escape the pressures of the world, and if this is the worst thing I do, then it isn’t so bad. She doesn’t want me to go out and proclaim it to the world because of the almost definite negative impact it would make on our relationships with friends, relatives, and the community at large, and make things very hard for our kids, especially...and I agree with her. She also sometimes has a fear that someday I'll decide that I want to be Heidi full time. That would be impossible for me because I would have to give up 95% of the things I love in life. I understand the fears though because, despite her reassurance, I still fear that one day she'll say she can't take being married to a cross-dresser anymore. We each have our insecurities but neither is very real.
We have developed some rules: No pierced ears. No body alterations. I do now shave my legs but I have taken up running and although the majority of male runners don’t shave their legs, enough do that it’s not telling. No meeting others. I can do it as often as I want, but not in front of her unless she says so. Talking about it is important. She gets the man the vast majority of the time and anytime she specifies. I'm glad we agreed I would not have pierced ears, long hair or body alterations. It allows me to jump back to my usual self easily and there is no need to be self-conscious or make up lame excuses about how the campfire singed off my eyebrows.
My wife and I think a lot of the pain and anguish we experienced the early on was due to the fact that we tried to integrate Heidi into our relationship too fast. Now we're going slow and cautiously and having more fun with it. I think one of the best things we did was go to the library and read everything we could find on transvestitism. It put her and my minds at ease a lot knowing this is a fairly common hobby with others much like me and there are even national organizations. We continue to read together. We also are sure to share our feelings of the situation openly especially if one of us is uncomfortable about something. I think that makes it a lot easier.
Nowadays I only dress up a couple times a year. I don’t have a lot of spare time and I don’t think it would be fair to my wife and kids to take time out to dress up. Besides there are usually things I'd rather be doing with them. I dress up when they are out of town visiting relatives and I'm left home to work. In the winter I dress more. I can be clean-shaven and no one can tell. Women's winter clothes are more flattering on me anyways. From Halloween to Valentine's Day it is much easier to be comfortable shopping in the ladies sections of stores. This also makes me buy more and, of course, it's hard to wait to see how things look on. Frequently I'll go Christmas shopping for my wife with full intentions of just buying for her and wind up buying women's clothing for me as well.
Click on Heidi’s portrait below to go to her Flickr page. You can go to Heidi’s blog website by clicking here.